


I saw your face, I saw your light, you ran the race, you fought the fight

by angi190



Category: Twenty One Pilots
Genre: Angst, Anxiety, Band exists, Car Accident, Drunk Driving, Hospitalization, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Physical Disability, Recovery, What's new, and on tour, expect a lot of tears, i'll prolly add more tags, i'm pretty sure this is not what tags are for, idk why I'm like this, plenty of angst, self doubt, serious injury, they are famous, this one won't be as long as my other fics, when shit happens
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-03-04
Updated: 2017-05-03
Packaged: 2018-09-28 07:56:38
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 9,254
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10080299
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/angi190/pseuds/angi190
Summary: First comes the exploding sound of metal hitting metal that mixes with the screeching wheels on wet asphalt and windows breaking apart. Then, as if played out in slow motion he sees the shock in Josh’s eyes that probably mirrors his own surprise as they make a second long eye contact.The next moment, his world falls apart.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I know I alreadyhave another two fics to update, but I kinda wrote this one on impusle and couldn't help but post a part of it.
> 
> This fic won't be very long. I'm planing on 4 or 5 chapters, but we'll see.
> 
> Let me know what you think ? I'll post the rest of it if you guys like it :))

It’s a cold January evening when Tyler walks out of the restaurant with Josh trailing behind him, the drummer’s laugh still ringing in his ears. They just had a dinner, something they’ve both been looking forward to all day, since they’ve been pretty busy with interviews and rehearsals.  The tour has been amazing so far and Tyler’s veins fill with adrenalin at the thought of tonight’s show that’s no doubt going to a fun one. They’re playing arenas, something they’ve both been dreaming about since they’ve met 5 years ago. Sometimes Tyler has to stop whatever he’s doing and let that thought sink in. Their biggest dream is not a dream anymore. It’s all true and real and that thought makes him smile as he gets inside the cab that’s waiting for them outside. Josh gets in too, settles down at the backseat and kicks Tyler’s passenger’s seat playfully.

“Too important to sit at the back now, huh ? “ his friend laughs and closes the car door.  Tyler didn’t even think about it when he sat down next to the driver and closed the door. He didn’t do it intentionally or for some particular reason which is weird. They usually both sit at the back, but today is somehow different. He wants to tell Josh that he doesn’t know why he sat at the front but that would sound weird so he stays silent.

Something nags at him inside, so he’s about to say that he’ll move next to Josh when the driver asks him for the address and ignites the engine. It takes Tyler a moment to remember where the venue was or where were they going so Josh slips in between the two front seats and says the address, probably sensing Tyler’s hesitation. Ah yes, they’re about to have another interview before the show tonight. Josh smiles at him, chewing his gum and adjusting his grey beanie that can’t quite contain his wild yellow hair.

The car starts moving and Josh sits back, saying something about the fish they’ve had for dinner and how it tasted more like turkey than a fish. Tyler laughs because the statement is ridiculous and turns around to explain how the fish was perfectly fine and Josh is being silly.

The argument leaves them both laughing; even the cab driver can’t quite contain his simile by the time they finish. At some point Tyler turns back around and watches through the front window all of the cars that pass by them.  Josh says something, but Tyler couldn’t quite catch is so he turns around to ask his friend to repeat it.  In that very moment, while he’s turning around something happens , but his brain is too slow to catch up.

First comes the exploding sound of metal hitting metal that mixes with the screeching wheels on wet asphalt and windows breaking apart. Then, as if played out in slow motion he sees the shock in Josh’s eyes that probably mirrors his own surprise as they make a second long eye contact.

The next moment, his world falls apart.

It’s like he's being forced through a meat grinder. Everything around him is breaking, twisting, spinning out of control.  He loses consciousness soon enough, but before the lights go out and the world falls silent he hears the heart wrenching scream that comes from the seat behind him that echoes in his ears until he loses consciousness a second later.

When he wakes up nothing makes sense. He knows he’s awake, but he can’t force to open his eyes or move around. It feels like his body is frozen, but he’s not cold. Is he awake ? Is all of this a weird dream ?

Sirens. Tyler hears sirens. And then he remembers. The powerful blow that threw the car spinning around, the loud noise of metal breaking  and the scream that came from the back seat. This draws him out of the half-awake state. Josh. He was the one screaming.

His eyes shoot open  , but what he sees makes no sense. He sees the sky above, perfectly clear and full of bright lights. He tries to move his head, but something blocks the movement. There’s something on his neck that prevents it, something like a brace. He needs to find Josh, to make sure his best friend is okay.

But he can’t. His body is useless, not responding to any command.

“Josh “  Tyler hoarsely calls out “ Josh ! “ this time it’s louder , obviously loud enough to draw somebody’s attention , because a moment later someone is standing above him.

“Sir, please don’t try to move alright ? You’ve just had an accident “ it’s paramedic and he has board in his hands.

“ Josh....where’s my friend ? “ Tyler asks through gritted teeth, because speaking and generally breathing suddenly hurts.

“ The driver is alright and we’re taking him to the hospital right now. The other passenger at the back seat is still trapped inside the car, but we’re doing everything we can to get him safely out of there “ the paramedic reports and puts the board next to Tyler on the ground who’s trying not to dissolve into a full blown panic attack. Trapped inside the car. Josh is trapped.

“ Is he alive ? Please, I need to know “ Tyler chokes out when another paramedic asks him to turn on his side. Tyler does , but the pain in his chest intensifies and he grunts  when the board is being slid underneath him.

“ I’m sorry, but we can’t tell you anything at the moment. We’re taking you to the hospital where the police officers will keep you updated.”

After that Tyler is being lifted off the ground and carried to the ambulance which gives him a glimpse at the car crash scene. It takes him a moment to realize that the pile of twisted metal is the same cab that picked him and Josh from the restaurant.  There are people around the wreck that try to cut through the metal to get to Josh, as well as paramedics standing by.

The scene makes him so sick he’s almost certain he will choke on his own vomit. The front of the car is the only thing that survived the crash, while the other half is torn in pieces. And Josh is still inside.

The tears slip out of his eyes the moment he closes them. He can’t stand the thought of losing his best friend, not like this. And how can anyone survive something like this anyway ? The back of the car is literally smashed.

“ Our fire brigade is one of the best in the states “ one of the paramedic says, probably noticing his tears “ I’m pretty sure they will do the impossible to get your friend out of there , okay ? “  Tyler simply nods , scared that if he opens his mouth he’ll either sob or curse.

 

The hours that follow are a blur. He’s taken to the ER where people flash lights into his eyes and poke his veins with needles. People rush around him, saying things he doesn’t understand and shake their heads whenever he asks about Josh.

Tyler goes through a couple of scans to make sure he doesn’t have a brain trauma or broken vertebras, which he thankfully doesn’t.  His ribs are badly bruised and his right hand is cracked at the elbow and sprang at the wrist. Some of the glass cut him so he needed stitches as well. All together he’s been lucky the doctors tell him. The hit was pretty strong and came from behind, at the vacant seat behind the driver. If Tyler was sitting there the chances of survival would be almost zero. But he wasn’t. He sat next to the driver , something he almost never does.

Tyler battles guilt and fear the following couple of hours until Mark barges into his room and gives him the biggest hug he’s capable of without crushing his ribs.

“ Mark, please tell me you know something about Josh “ Tyler says and his eyes fill with tears at the miserable expression decorating his friend’s face “ Mark ,please “ his voice is breaking and everything inside of him feels broken too, because he’s terrified of losing Josh.

“ They just brought him in. He’s alive “ Mark says and sits next to Tyler “ It’s bad, Ty. They think his neck is broken which means …. “ Mark doesn’t finish because he chokes on a sob. “ They won’t tell me much, but they’re saying it’s bad. “ it might be bad, but Josh is alive. He’s _alive_ and that’s the most important thing right now.

Mark stays with Tyler while Josh is in surgery which takes almost all night. An incredibly tired looking doctor shows up at around 6 am to inform them that Josh is out of surgery and his condition is critical. Nobody knows the extent of his injuries, because a broken neck means paralysis, but it’s hard to tell which part of his body will be affected. It might be just his arms or just his legs, but it could also affect his every single body function.  This type of injury is unpredictable  so all they can do for now  is wait for Josh to wake up.

Waiting is pure torture. Tyler’s family fly over to see him , as well as Josh’s. Everyone is trying to stay strong for both of them, but the truth is that they’re all as terrified as Tyler. The questions are a lot, but there are no answers. Josh is in coma and until he comes out of it nobody can do anything for him.

Two days later when Tyler can finally walk he begs the nurse to take him to Intensive care unit where Josh is currently placed.  She denies him at first , but when he literally goes into mental breakdown she cracks and tells him she’ll try to sneak him in.

Visitors are still not allowed, but it quickly becomes obvious that Tyler won’t back down until he’s allowed to see his best friend so they give him permission. A nurse takes him a couple of floors up and leads him to Josh’s room, telling him he has 5 minutes.

There are bandages and tubes everywhere. Tyler was told that the worst injuries Josh has suffered are internal , but he’s still not prepared to see his best friend all bruised and cut from the force of impact. When he nears the bed he can see the metal sticking out of Josh’s neck which makes him double over and blink a  couple of times to clear his vision. He was warned about the surgery and the metal that was put in Josh’s spinal cord in order to fix it, but the whole picture is still pretty painful to see. He’s going to have to wear this metal brace for a while, until his vertebras heal back together in the right order. 

Tyler touches Josh’s hand and pets it gently, afraid he’ll hurt him or touch something that’s broken and make things worse. But how much worse can this get ? Josh is in coma, with a bad spinal injury and multiple internal bleedings. He’s a live, miraculously, but now what ?

When the nurse takes him back to his room Tyler feels so ill he wants to lie down and not wake up the next morning. How did his life turn from a dream come true to this living nightmare ? Why did this happen to Josh out of all people ? And who’s fault was this ? The taxi’s driver ?  The person who hit them ?

Anger is boiling in his veins , because _somebody_ did this to his best friend and he can’t just leave it like this. He asks Mark when his friend comes to see him , who’s fault was the accident.

“ It’s the other driver who hit your cab from behind while running on red light “ Mark says “ He was driving with 100kmph when he hit you guys, then spun around and crashed into a lamp post.

“ Did he make it ? “ Tyler asks, because he needs someone to blame, someone to take is anger out upon

“ He did. But the other two passengers in his car didn’t “ Mark answers and makes Tyler feel another wave of pain wash over him. Two people are dead and his best friend is badly injured because of this asshole who didn’t stop at red light.

“ Where is he ? Is he at the hospital  ? “ Tyler wants to kill him and that gives him the strength to sit up despite the terrible pain in his ribs “ I want to see him “ 

“ No, Ty, you can’t “ Mark answers and tries to push Tyler back down, but the singer bats his hand away.

“ What do you mean I can’t ? He almost killed Josh, that fucking bastard. I want to see him, Mark “

“ He’s not at the hospital anymore. He um … he’s burying his wife and daughter” this hits Tyler who once again feels out of breath and lightheaded. So not only did the driver almost kill Josh, he killed his own wife and kid. It’s so messed up Tyler doesn’t know what else to do but relax back against his pillow and let the pain consume him.  He can’t even stay angry at the guy anymore because what in this world is worse than killing your own family out of pure stupidity ? Even if he punches the guy in the face he’s not going to make him feel worse. Because he’s already in hell, that’s for sure. So who’s Tyler supposed to be angry at now ? Himself ? He’s the one who sat at the passenger’s seat and made it almost uninjured while Josh is fighting for his life. He’s the one who called this cab and insisted on them riding there instead of walking, like Josh wanted. If he thinks about it long enough he will definitely convince himself it’s his fault, because clearly there’s nobody else to blame.

There are choking sounds that leave his mouth , but they sound distant and unfamiliar. Mark is hugging him, but Tyler is numb. He feels his body shake, he knows that he’s crying, but he has no control over it. The emotions flood him and all he can do is hold onto Mark and try  not to drown.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This is long and painful and I'm sorry

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I promised I'll update soon so here's the second chapter.
> 
> Thank you to everyone who left comments and kudos. Knowing what you guys think helps me a lot while writing and also makes my day so thank you for that <33

 

The news about the accident spread like a wildfire and Tyler’s phone blows up from all the calls and messages from friends and family. He turns it off at some point, not having the energy to tell the story over and over again. He’s being discarded on the fourth day , but he doesn’t leave the hospital. Jenna brings him a change of clothes which he puts on and goes straight to Josh’s room , who is still in coma. The doctors told Tyler that if he doesn’t come out of it in a week that might mean his brain is damaged which is even worse than the back injury.  Tyler stays with Josh for as long as they allow him and then moves to the chairs outside to wait for the next day’s visitation. Days drag slowly, but nothing changes.

On the seventh day Tyler is already exhausted from lack of sleep and constant fear of Josh not waking up from this coma. Nobody can persuade him to go home to take a shower or get some sleep, not his parents or even Jenna who doesn’t leave his side. The doctors also try to shoo him out of the hospital by telling him he’s not helping Josh by exhausting himself, but he’s adamant. He wants to be with his friend,  to hold his hand and talk to him for as long as the doctors allow it.  He’s heard that sometimes people in coma can hear things so he sits close to Josh’s ear and tells him all kinds of random things. He also sings every once in a while, leaning in as close as possible to make sure all the words get to Josh in his sleep.  _We’ll perform these songs again together one day_ Tyler wants to tell Josh , although he doesn’t quite believe it himself. 

_“_ Please wake up, Josh “ Tyler says for the umpteenth time and squeezes Josh’s hand with numb fingers “ I don’t know what I’m going to do without you. You’ve been the only thing that anchors me to the ground for so long, Josh, please stay with me “ he doesn’t  want to cry, but the tears come anyway. Tyler knows that the longer it takes for Josh to wake up the lesser the chances are of him recovering completely.  He doesn’t care how bad it is or how difficult it’s going to be, all he wants is for Josh to wake up.

On the 9th day they cancel the rest of the tour officially. Mark and some of their crew members hold a press conference while Tyler sits in the intensive care unit with his head in both hands and waits for something to change.  Scenarios are being played out in his head nonstop ; Josh waking up with brain trauma that leaves him bedridden for life, Josh not waking up for months and then taken off life support , Josh waking up paralyzed , once again bedridden for life …. and it goes on until Tyler’s on the verge of tears again. The unknown terrifies him. He’d rather know how bad it is and face the situation rather than live in darkness and uncertainty.

The anger and frustration inside of him grows and he gets more and more determined to find the person responsible for the accident and press charges against him.  He can’t live freely while his best friend is on the very verge of survival.

It takes him a couple of conversations with the police officers who brought the accident victims in,  to find out who this person is and his phone number. His name is James and he’s 45 , married with a two daughters. Not anymore, Tyler thinks and his anger rises even more. Not only did this idiot kill his wife and one daughter, he left the other one with no mother and sister. Stupid, careless idiot.

In a rush of pain-filled anger he calls James , on the 11th day since the accident and waits for him to pick up. 

“ Hello ? “ the man answers and Tyler’s words suddenly get twisted up in his vocal cords. He’s angry, scared, frustrated and helpless, a mix of emotions that leave him almost completely speechless.

“ You almost killed my best friend “ Tyler says, skipping the introduction part. Silence follows which makes Tyler even more angry. “ Did you hear me ? My friend is still in ICU fighting for his life because of you. Nobody knows if he’s going to make it and … and you’re sitting there , probably feeling proud of yourself for getting away with it, aren’t you ? “ Tyler has no clue how he manages to keep his composure and not break down crying but he doesn’t . If somebody deserves to cry it’s this fucking guy.

“ I’m so sorry “ James answers and yeah he definitely is crying. “ I’m sorry about what I did , please, I swear I didn’t mean it. It was a mistake, a terrible mistake I will never forgive myself “ the man literally cries into the receiver , but Tyler doesn’t feel any better. He thought that if he called him and made him cry he would feel better somehow, but he doesn’t. He feels empty and numb. “ Please forgive me “  

Tyler hangs up and throws his phone on the seat next to him. He’s shaking all over, not sure whether it’s from anger or fear or both. Needing to feel peaceful again he walks up to Josh’s room and slips in quietly. Sighing deeply he walks to his friend’s bed and sits on the chair next to it, looking for the strength needed to compose himself.

“ I don’t know what to do , Josh. I don’t know what to do without you. If you don’t come back .. I .. I  feel like I’ll be lost forever. I feel like I’ll be gone “ he flattens one of Josh’s yellow curls that was falling into his eyes and notices something. His eyeballs are moving.

This hasn’t happened before, his usual state was completely still with no signs of life.  But now the heart monitor beeps faster than usual his eyes are moving underneath closed eyelids. Tyler jumps from the chair and leans in closer to Josh and calls him name.

“Josh ? Josh , can you hear me ? “ the heart monitor goes crazy when Tyler speaks and now he’s absolutely certain that his friend can hear him. “ Oh God “ Tyler manages to say and pushes the emergency button to call a nurse or a doctor. “ Josh, I’m here, it’s Tyler “ he leans in even closer and caresses Josh’s face, who’s eyes don’t stop moving around.  He needs to let Josh know that he’s there and he’s not alone.

A moment later a nurse walks in and quickly approaches the bed.

“ His eyes are moving “ Tyler says and keeps caressing Josh’s face with shaking fingers.  “ I saw him move his eyes, he must be waking up “

“ I will call the doctor “ the nurse hurries up to leave the room and comes back a few minutes later followed by a doctor.

Tyler is asked to move back and give them space to work, but he doesn’t want to leave his friend’s side. Josh’s heart monitor beeps so loud he’s scared that the drummer will have a heart attack.

“ Is he waking up ? Why is his heart beating so fast ? “ the questions tumble out of his mouth and the nurse pulls him aside before answering.

“ He is probably regaining consciousness ,but since we don’t know the extent of his injury he might be in pain or a part of his body could be disabled.  I believe he is scared, that’s why his heart rate is so high “ she explain and Tyler feels the unbearable need to be there for his friend who’s probably terrified at the moment and has no idea what’s going on.

It takes Josh almost full hour to open his eyes, but when he does Tyler is there and he makes sure that his friend can see him. The honey colored eyes that always hold so much warmth and kindness are now heavy with fear and confusion. Josh blinks, heart rate still rabid and racing while he comes to it and doesn’t slow down which makes Tyler worry.

“ Hey “ Tyler tries to smile for Josh’s sake when his eyes turn towards the singer.  There’s so much fear in them it makes Tyler’s heart twist with pain. He never wants to see his best friend so terrified ever again.

“ Josh, can you hear me ? “ the doctor asks and Josh’s eyes slowly turn towards the doctor, indicating that he did hear him. But besides his eyes nothing else moves. He doesn’t turn his head or move a muscle on his face. Fear creeps inside Tyler’s heart. Something is terribly wrong.

“ If you can’t speak blink two times “ the doctor says again and Josh blinks once, then twice , confirming everybody’s fear.  “ Okay. I will ask you questions that require “yes “ or “no” as an answer. Blink once for “no” and twice for “yes” . Okay ? “  Josh blinks two times and quickly turns his gaze towards Tyler, probably looking for reassurance. Tyler nods and tries to keep himself together when the doctor starts asking his questions.

“ Do you feel any pain in your body at the moment ? “ Josh blinks once.

“ Okay, how about now ? “ another blink. Tyler watches as the nurse pokes Josh with a needle in his right leg, trailing down towards his foot. “ And now ? “ Josh looks at Tyler, fear evident in his gaze and blinks once. Tyler tries to stay composed and not show how fucking terrified he is, but everything so far shows absolutely zero sensitivity in Josh’s lower body which is pretty scary.

“ Do you feel your arms ? Can you move your fingers for me ? “ the doctor keeps going and there’s a short pause as Josh probably strains to move his fingers, but nothing happens. His arms lay still on the bed and refuse to move. Another blink.

“ Is this why you can’t speak ? Because you can’t feel your face and neck ? “ two blinks , followed by two shiny tears that slip from Josh’s eyes and Tyler can’t stand it anymore. He loses his composure and lets his own tears flow out of his eyes while he kneels down in front of Josh so his friend can see him.

“ It’s going to be okay, Josh. I’m here alright ? No matter what happens, I’m here “  Josh’s eyes fill with more tears and Tyler can’t see his friend in so much pain, it just hurts too much. He leans his head on Josh’s tattooed right hand and cries into it, painting the colorful skin with his own tears.

The doctor keeps asking questions and it becomes pretty clear that Josh is completely paralyzed except for his eyes and some other body functions. Thank God for letting him keep his vision, because Tyler can only imagine how terrifying it would be to wake up to complete darkness and inability to make a sound or movement.

Josh's parents are allowed in his room when the doctor is finished and Tyler leaves them alone with their son, to talk to the doctor outside. He's torn by questions and fears and needs something to hold onto, something that would give him hope that things will get better.

" I believe that Josh will regain some of his movement back " the doctor says , but he doesn't radiate much positivity " But the fact that he can't feel his entire body tells us that the injury is serious and will require a very long and difficult recovery. This could be only temporary paralysis, lasting until the swelling around his broken vertebra's goes down, but  we can't be sure. " 

" So what you're saying is ... he might stay completely paralyzed ? Forever ? " that thought punches him straight into his bruised ribs like an iron fist. It's the worst kind of life Tyler can imagine - being stuck in a completely dysfunctional body and live the rest of his life in bed, completely dependent on other people’s care to stay alive.

“ What I’m trying to say is that this kind of trauma is difficult to predict. He could regain full body function or stay as he is now. Time will show, all we can do is wait “ this doesn’t give Tyler much hoping material. He could stay like as he is now. What if he does ? What if his body doesn’t recover after the post-surgery swelling goes down ? _Stay positive, you need to stay positive_  Tyler tells himself and wipes the tears off his face.

Waiting is impossible painful.  Spending time with Josh is the best part of Tyler’s day, but the rest of it is pure hell.  He tries to put himself in his friend’s position, to imagine what It’s like to be stuck in that prison of a body, but he just can’t.  The moment he does picture how Josh feels at the moment he finds himself stuck in a nightmare , with no way out.

Tyler learns to pick up how Josh feels from the beeping of his heart monitor and the expression in his eyes.  They’ve been friends for so long it isn’t difficult for him to work out whether Josh is tired or scared, excited or sad.  He asks the nurses to allow him to leave Josh’s phone with the drummer so he could listen to music while Tyler isn’t there with him.

The week that follows is slow and scary, but as the days pass Josh makes some progress. It starts with him coughing and trying to swallow on his own which was something he couldn’t do before. When the doctor removes the aspirator from his mouth he chokes at first , but his muscles seem to remember how to work after a while.  The sensitivity returns back slowly , bringing the pain that Josh couldn’t experience before because of the paralysis along with it. 

And it hurts a lot.

The surgery that saved his life consisted in putting metal plates and screws inside his spine, in order to fix it to the right spot.  Some of those screws are attached to a metal cage that goes around his neck, which means they puncture his skin at more points than one. Experiencing all of that must’ve been pretty painful, Tyler thinks and tries to focus on the fact that at least Josh can _feel._ The pain means that he’s not completely paralyzed and no matter how difficult it is seeing his friend in pain he focuses on that thought.

A couple of classes with a voice coach later Josh finds his voice back and his first words are “ It hurts” .  It’s more of a whisper, because his vocal cords are still not fully working after being paralyzed, but Tyler hears him clear enough to know that his friend is in a lot of pain.  Which hurts him too.

His second thing he says is “Tyler “ which brings the singer back to his knees beside his friend’s bed, looking for a way to tell him how happy he is that Josh is speaking.

Tyler loses track of time, going back and forth between hospital rooms, doctor’s offices and hallway benches. This e leaves him exhausted and irritated which results in him snapping at people in almost every human interaction. He fights with the nurses who refuse to give Josh more painkillers when he’s in pain, even though he knows it’s for his own good. He fights with his parents who tell him he needs to take care of himself and be more careful with his bruised ribs and still healing right arm. He doesn’t care about his ribs or arms or whatever. He _needs_ to be there for Josh. He fights with reporters who keep bugging him to give interviews and statements. What the hell are they even thinking bothering them at a time like this ? If Tyler is usually sassy and sarcastic it’s nothing compared to what he is now. The lack of sleep and the constant life on the edge makes him unbearable and the only person who can actually stand him at the moment is Josh. Jenna too, but he tries not to spend too much time with her in order to protect her from his own destructiveness.

He’s sitting on the edge of Josh’s bed , one headphone plugged in his ear while the other one is in Josh’s. They don’t talk, because talking about anything is scary at the moment, so listening to music together is the next best thing.  They’re halfway through “Death cab for cutie” discography when the door to the room opens and Mark peeks inside.

“Um sorry to disturb you guys, but someone’s here to see Josh. “they both turn towards Mark and Tyler suddenly feels defensive

“ What for ? “he asks and Mark is hesitating shortly before answering

“Um it’s the guy who caused the accident. He wants to apologize to Josh in person “ now this makes Tyler jump from the bed, almost causing his phone to crash on the ground.

“He has the nerve to come here ?? “ Mark backs away slightly and looks at Josh briefly before turning back to Tyler.

“I didn’t let him in , but I thought that if Josh wanted to talk to him …. “

“The hell he does. _I’ll_ go talk to him “ Tyler marches to the door with anger boiling in his veins to the point of blowing up like a volcano.

“Ty, don’t “Josh’s voice comes from behind him , but he doesn’t stop. He probably would’ve  stopped if it was a normal day, if none of this nightmare has happened and Tyler was still somewhat collected, but he isn’t. He needs to scream at someone . He needs to pour all of his frustration and  terror out on someone who deserves it.

So he literally pushes Mark out of the way and walks out, standing face to face with a middle aged looking guy who seems like he doesn’t want to be there.

It’s like some kind of a curtain has fallen over Tyler’s vision, because he doesn’t see anything else but _him._  He is the main reason for Josh’s suffering. He is the one who put his best friend into a hospital bed for over month and took everything away from him. This guy.

Lurching forward, Tyler grabs the front of the man’s shirt and literally smashes him into the nearest wall with all of his strength.  He doesn’t let go despite of the man’s pleading , despite of Mark’s voice somewhere behind him ,telling him to stop. Tyler doesn’t stop. He pulls James towards him and then smashes him right back into the wall, surprised by his own strength. He’s never been much of a fighter, but right now he feels like he can tear the guy apart with his bare hands. 

A pair of hands grab him from behind and pull him back , leaving the beaten up man to slide down the wall when Tyler finally lets his shirt go.

“”That’s enough , Tyler “ Mark tells him and holds him from behind “Enough Ty, don’t do this”

“I’m going to kill you “Tyler spits at the crumbled up figure in front of him “Do you know what you did ? Do you know what you did to my friend you fucking bastard “ there are tears and Tyler is angry at himself for showing weakness in this moment, but he can’t help it when he thinks about Josh , stuck in his bed and in his motionless body.

“I’m sorry “the man is sobbing now, kneeling on the ground before Tyler “ I just wanted to say I’m sorry, I wanted to apologize and say how incredibly sorry I am. “

“ You’re sorry ? Josh can’t move his arms and his legs because of you , do you know that ? “Tyler screams and feels the eyes trained on him. It’s wrong to scream in a hospital and he’s probably making quite a scene right now, but the ability to care fees pretty far away at the moment. He wants to make this James guy _hurt._

“ What ? “ he obviously doesn’t know , judging by his shocked face “I .. I’m so sorry about everything. Please, let me apologize to him, please “ Tyler scoffs at that and shakes his head.

“ I’m not giving you that satisfaction. You know why ? Because he’s probably going to forgive you , but I won’t. I’m not as kind as him “ Tyler shakes Mark’s hand off him and spins around on his heels. He can still hear the man sob behind him and thinks _“good, he deserves to feel a tiny little bit of what we’ve all been feeling “_

“ Oh and one more thing “Tyler says when he reaches Josh’s door. “Find yourself a good lawyer because you’re not getting away with this “

 

The anger slowly turns to buzzing pain when he enters Josh’s room and sees the expression his friend is wearing, It says he’s heard the conversation outside which is no surprise , because Tyler was literally screaming his head off. The drummer’s eyes are filled with tears and something else that makes Tyler’s blood boil again. Compassion. It’s directed towards someone who doesn’t deserve a single drop of it.

“I’m not suing him, Tyler “Josh says from his bed and makes Tyler let out a frustrated sound.

“We can’t just let him get away with it Josh.  He almost _killed you “_  Josh flinches at the world “killed” and looks away. “And he did kill his own wife and daughter “  this makes the drummer close his eyes and swallow thickly.

“ Don’t you think that’s punishment enough, Tyler ? “ he opens his eyes in a second  and looks at Tyler, searching for some kind of compassion there “ Don’t you think that living with that thought for the rest of his life is worse than any prison time he could end up doing ? “

“ I don’t care how he feels okay ? I want him locked up, where he can’t hurt anyone else “

“ He made a mistake, Ty “Josh says and his voice wavers “ It’s a human thing to do. We all makes mistakes, don’t we ? “

Tyler shakes his head , because he can’t believe how Josh , who has just been through hell because of this guy is actually defending him.

“You’re not perfect either are you ? What if that happened to you ? What if you made one mistake and somebody died because of it ? Does it make you a bad person ? Does it make you a killer ? “

“I wouldn’t drive with 100mph on a red light ,Josh. This is so stupid I can’t even wrap my mind around it “

“What if I did ? Would you call me a killer ? Would you want me in prison ? “ Tyler breathes out and the image plays out in his head. Of course he wouldn’t think of Josh that way , even if he did something as stupid as that.

„ I just can’t believe you’re defending him “ Tyler admits , but deep down he knows that Josh is very different than him. He’s kind and forgives easily, because his huge heart holds no place for hatred and vengeance.   Tyler wishes he could be like his best friend and let go of things as easily as he does.

“Punishing a grieving husband and a father won’t help me feel better “ Josh says and the tears are now running down his cheeks. Tyler wonders if the drummer is trying to will his hands to move and wipe them away and the thought that he probably can’t makes him walk down to his friend’s bed and do it himself.

“ I don’t want somebody else to suffer, not because of me. This is enough painful as it is “ Josh adds and that’s when Tyler finally gives up and slides down on the ground next to the drummer’s bed. Josh is right , this definitely isn’t the time for revenge, when everything inside his friend probably hurts in more way than one.  Causing even more pain isn’t going to bring back the sensitivity to Josh’s arms and legs.

Tyler feels defeated.

“ I’m sorry about this. I didn’t mean to upset you, Josh , I swear. “

“ I know you’re tired “Josh says and opens his eyes and looks at Tyler “I know you’re hurt and you don’t know what to do to get rid of that pain. Just … please , I need you right now. I can’t do this without you “

This mirrors the exact same words Tyler has been saying to Josh while the latter was in coma with slim chances of waking up. He needs Josh and Josh needs him.  It’s been like this since they’ve met and probably won’t change until one of them dies. And no matter happens in between, Tyler thinks as he wipes Josh’s tears again and kisses his forehead,  he will _always_ be by his best friend’s side.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Like I said, this was long and painful and I can't write anything else but long and painful stuff.  
> Hit me up if you have any ideas/criticism regarding this story. I'd love to hear what you think :))
> 
> Also I apologize for how detailed everything I write is, but this is the only way I know how to write.  
> You you're still reading , ILY and thank you so much for taking the time to check out my work <3


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I had some positive feedback from the previous chapters so I thought I'd post more

Tyler is sleeping next to Josh when the nightmares start coming. It’s been a while after the accident, but only now, when Josh is somewhat healing Tyler can finally sleep. That’s when the images and sounds from the crash start to hunt him.

He’s spent the entire day talking to different doctors and trying to come up with the best way to help Josh feel comfortable. The drummer is almost ready to be discharged from the hospital where he’s spent the past two months and regained almost all of his movement. Except for his legs.

No matter what they tried – electric impulses, physical therapy , acupuncture , nothing could bring the sensitivity back to his legs.  Tyler had to watch Josh struggle and fail through all of those and seeing the helplessness in his best friend’s eyes was absolutely heart wrenching.

So when Tyler falls asleep next to already sleeping Josh he dreams for the first time since the car crash. He sees the accident in different versions and from different angles and they are all terrifying. He sees the blood splattered on the back seat, Josh’s blood and hears the sound of bones being broken. And then the scream.

It sounds exactly like it sounded when the speeding car crashed into their cab, only amplified by 100. It lasted for a couple of seconds before Tyler passed out, but it was so horrific , hearing it again makes Tyler scream and trash too.

He’s woken up by the loud beeping of the machines and Josh’s panicked voice repeating his name.  Despite the fact that Tyler is already awake , he’s still so affected by the dream he can’t unhear that horrible sound and can’t simply calm down. His heart is racing , lungs heaving , head aching and he’s sweating so much he’s drenched after a minute or so.

“ Ty, are you okay ? What happened? Come on, talk to me “ Josh shakes him weakly and sounds upset.

“ I’-I’m fine “ Tyler manages to say and wipes his forehead with the sleeve of his shirt. “ Just a nightmare “

“ Was it the accident ? “ Josh asks with shaky voice.

“ Yeah “ Tyler says and tires to shake off the feeling of absolute haplessness form hearing his best friend scream as his bones were broken.  “ I don’t know how you don’t have nightmares about it” 

“ I do “ Josh says and sighs , surprising Tyler who turns towards his friend to see him looking pale

“ I’ve never heard you having a nightmare “ he admits “ You always sleep so peacefully “

“ My nightmares are not like that. I relieve some fragments , some moments , but when I wake up I …. I can’t move or scream. I just lay there completely paralyzed and unable to move a muscle or make a sound “ this sounds even more terrifying than waking up screaming and trashing around.  Tyler never thought that Josh had nightmares because he’s always very still when he sleeps. This makes him wonder how many times his best friend was tormented by nightmares right next to him and he didn’t know ? Probably many.

“ That sounds horrible “

“ Yours sounded pretty horrible too “ Josh says and reaches up to the brace that’s still around his neck to touch it. “ You probably remember more than me anyway.  The day before the crash is a blur. I barely remember how we ended up in that car anyway “

“ What do you remember ? “  Tyler asks carefully , scared he’ll trigger something scary in Josh’s memory.

“ We were having dinner “ Josh says and clears his throat. “ Fish or something like that “

“ Yeah you said it tasted like turkey “ Tyler answers and smiles sadly. “ That was the last thing you said before … before the other car hit us “

“ Was I sitting at the back seat? “

“Yeah “ Tyler nods and remembers having that weird feeling he couldn’t quite place back then. It must’ve been intuition that made him sit next to the driver and not with his friend at the back.

“ Weren’t you sitting next to me ? “ Josh asks and swallows thickly. They shouldn’t have started this conversation. It’s still all too fresh.

“ No, I was sitting next to the driver “ Josh turns his head towards him and bites his lip.

“ Why didn’t you sit next to me ? “ he asks with a raspy voice that makes Tyler’s heart ache.

“ I don’t know. I only realized where I sat when the driver started the ignition and …. and I honestly still can’t explain why I did that. I Wish you were the one who sat at the front though “ he adds and feels Josh’s hand , warm and soft on his elbow.

“ I’m glad yоu didn’t sit next to me “ Josh says “ If you did, you would’ve probably been dead “  he states with a shaking voice and squeezes Tyler’s elbow harder.

“ I wish we could switch positions. I wish I was the one sitting at the back and taking most of the impact. I wish I didn’t have to watch you fight for your life and suffer like this “ Tyler says and feels the familiar burning of tears in his eyes.  Josh sniffles next to him and puts his head on Tyler’s shoulder, the cold metal of the brace chilling him to the bone.

“ I would’ve probably fallen apart long ago If I had to see _you_ like this “ Josh says quietly  “ I’d choose the physical pain over watching you suffer, Ty. I can’t imagine how fucking difficult this is for you  “

“ For me? “ Tyler shakes his head and cradles his fingers through Josh’s fading yellow hair. “ Dude, you have freaking metal in your _spine_. And it’s difficult for me ? “

“ I told you, I’d rather go through all of this again than see you in pain and not being able to help “

“ Same “ Tyler says and sighs. It’s painful enough to see Josh suffer, but there’s also the never seizing dread that his best friend will be stuck in a wheelchair for the rest of his life.

“ Do you think I’ll ever walk again ? “ Josh asks after a short pause.  Tyler holds his breath, not sure how to answer this oh so difficult question.

“ Yeah “ he says and has to wipe his tears with his free hand.

“ But if I don’t , do you think I’ll still be able to drum ? “ and of course , this question is probably the main one Josh has been asking himself all this time.  Will he still be a good drummer if he can’t use his legs ? To Tyler, the answers is undeniably, absolutely yes.

“ Of course you will be . No, actually you know what ? I think you’ll get even better “ this makes Josh smile and let out a tired sigh.

“ Seriously though. If I can’t use my legs , how am I going to compensate for the kick drum ? “  Josh tries to look up, but the brace and the pain in his neck stop him.

“ Listen. “ Tyler says and draws a deep breath “ Let’s just concentrate on getting you better okay ? Get you out of this damn hospital, take this awful brace off and then we’ll figure it out, okay ? I promise “  Tyler bends down and kisses Josh’s head . “We always figure things out, don’t we “

“ Yeah , we do “ Josh agrees and sniffles again.

The truth is that Tyler has been thinking about this too, how their career will turn out if Josh ends up paralyzed.  Will their band survive this ordeal ? They will probably start making music again somewhere down the line, but will people be still willing to listen ? They both won’t survive without music for too long and Tyler knows it. No matter how things turn out they will always keep going. The biggest question is whether their fans will follow them ? Will they stick around even if their music changes and they’re not the same anymore ? 

Tyler opens his twitter and stares at his mentions.  The support they’re getting is so overwhelming he doesn’t even know why he doubts their fans.  They’ve always been the most supportive and big hearted people on Earth, never seizing to amaze him with creativity and love.

“ Hey Josh “ Tyler says quietly to check if his friend is still awake.

“Yeah ?”

“ I want to show you something “  Tyler says and helps his friend rearrange in bed so that they’re both sitting. He opens their official twitter account and goes straight to their mentions where their fans have been submitting photos, videos and articles.  People from all over the world  flood them with love and support and if that’s not motivation to fight even harder, Tyler does ‘t know what is.

“ Oh Ty “ Josh says  and puts one hand on his mouth

“ Yeah I know . We have the best fans in the world “ Josh nods  and wipes his eyes. “ Do you still have doubts about being  a drummer again ? “

“ I don’t know if I can be a good drummer after all of this “ Josh gestures  towards his body “ I mean I’ll probably keep drumming either way, but … but I’ll probably never be the same “

Tyler hugs him with one hand, his healthy one and sighs. Honestly, he doesn’t care about anything but the fact that Josh is alive and fighting. They have their families, their fans and friends fighting alongside them in this uneven battle.   Being suddenly unable to walk is a big obstacle, especially for someone as active and healthy as Josh and Tyler hurts so much at the thought of what his friend must be going through.  But he’d never met anyone as positive and kind hearted as Josh and he’s sure that the Universe has a special plan for him.

“ You don’t have to be the same ,J. Just be yourself and I promise you things will work out. “

Tyler doesn’t know If he can keep that promise but he’s sure as hell going to try.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Let me know what you think and make girl happy ? I'm once again stuck in bed and my only salvation is writing so yea . 
> 
> You can also request stuff on my [tumblr here](http://i-m-a-goner-takeitslow.tumblr.com/)


	4. Chapter 4

Seeing Josh in a wheelchair, trying to figure out how to move around freely on his own is painful. Tyler does his best to stay positive and be happy that his friend is alive and healing as well as he does. The metal brace is off his neck already and the rest of the injuries are almost healed. The awful bruises all over his right side where the car hit them are faded, the cuts from the shreds of broken windows are closed , leaving faint white scars in their wake. Josh looks almost the same as a couple of months ago and if he's out of his wheelchair Tyler can't even see the any difference. Exept now he can't walk.

  
They decide to live together , at least for a while until Josh sistuates himself and gets used to his new life. They stay at the drummer's house in Ohio where a lot of changes are done. Handles are being installed all over the place to make it easy for him to move around and do stuff that requires him being off the wheelchair, like showering and getting to bed.

  
When Josh is discharged from the hospital , Tyler surprises him with a big family dinner at his innovated house and does his best to make his friend feel less different and scared. And God it must've been so scary for him, moving from the hospital bed to a wheelchair, knowing he will spend uknown time not being able to move around on his own.

  
They go together to physical therapy ; Josh has a 6 moths course ahead of him and Tyler's broken arm needs help healing too. Mark buys them a special van where Josh can be transported in his wheelchair even though the drummer uses it rarely. He prefers moving from his wheelchair to the seat of a car and ride that way. It probably helps him feel less different , so nobody objects.  
Josh stops dyeing his hair , because he's scared of being recognizes on the street and having a vibrant hair dosn't really help with that. If he was shy before, now he's absolutely unable to comunicate with people he doesn't know. This new disability is obviously making him feel self concois and different, adding to his usual anxiety and shyness it's almost impossible to get him to talk to anyone besides Tyler and his closest friends. A couple of times people have approached them on the street , to tell Josh how much they admire him , but he stumbled over his words so much Tyler pretty much did most of the talking.

  
" Josh, c'mon man , stop hiding and come out ? "Tyler says , leaning on the bathroom door where his best friend has been locked most of the evening. Earlier that day someone outisde pointed at Josh and said "Look, it's that disabled guy from the ski-masked band" and since then the drummer has been quiet and refusing to talk to anyone. The phrase wasn't even insulting , but it's probably the fact that someone mentioned his disability in public and made other people stare at him made him feel uncomfortable and anxious. Tyler still wants to punch that guy in the face.

  
" Just let me be, Ty " Josh's voice comes from inside the bathroom and Tyler sighs. He doesn't want to press his friend, but he's been hiding there for hours now.

  
" People suck , okay ? They've always sucked and probably always will. So you can't hide from them in the bathroom forever" the singer says and hears Josh take a long and deep breath.

  
"Yeah well can you tell people to stop staring at me ? Can you tell them to stop pointing out what's wrong with me ? I know pretty well what's wrong with me and i don't need reminders " Josh says with vulnerable voice.

  
"Nothing's wrong with you " Tyler says quietly , because to him Josh is still Josh and nothing can ever change that. Legs or no legs, his smile is just as bright and his eyes are just as kind.

 

" Yeah well from now on I'm that disabled guy from the weird band " Josh says bitterly and lets out a strangled sound that makes Tyler's heart hurt like hell.

  
" First of all our band is weird and that's what's fucking beautiful about it. And second, you're not just some guy from a band. You're the drummer , from that weird band called Twenty one pilots and that's something to be proud of I think " Tyler says passionately , feeling his heartbeat rise with every word.

  
"Am I still a drummer ? " Josh asks after a pause " Are there even disabled drummers ? "

  
" You are as much of a drummer as you used to be. I don't think that your ability to walk or kick a ball really defines what kind of a drummer you are "Tyler says honestly "And besides who cares if there are other disabled drummers or not. You can be the first one. Maybe you can inspire others to do what they love despite their disabilities "

  
"You think ? "Josh's voice is still weak , but now with a glimpse of hope.

  
" I really do. Just please come out of the bathroom and let's get some dinner and talk it through ? " this finally gets Josh to unlock the door and wheel himself out of the dark bathroom.

  
" I'm sorry I reacted like that "Josh apologizes , his cheeks painted light pink in obvious embarrassment.

  
" Nah , don't apologize okay ? It's fine to feel like that sometimes. Like I said people suck "he says and makes Josh smile a little and nod.

"Yeah I don't know why those words got to me so much. I guess I don't want to become a person who's defined by their disability. "

  
"Then don't " Tyler answers and squezzes Josh's shoulder " Let's go get something to eat. Mark is coming over and bringing something his mom cooked just for you "

  
"Aw really ? " Josh's face lights up with adoration and gratitude "That's so sweet of her "

  
" Yeah well everyone loves you, so you have to deal with it " Tyler says jokingly and smiles when Josh giggles.

  
Tyler knows that being a drummer is in Josh's blood and every fiber of his being. Knowing that , he doesn't really doubt the fact that his friend will find a way to do what he loves most and what he's so good at. It's probably going to take more time and more tears, but he'll get there. And once he gets there , Twenty One Pilots will revive , despite everyone's doubts. Honestly, people have always doubted them, so it's nothing new. Hell they've even doubted themselves in the beginning and yet here they are, three successful tours later. They can't give up, it's just not in their blood.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Any thoughts ? Let me know :) 
> 
> I also take requests so feel free to hmu

**Author's Note:**

> I've been stuck in bed these past few days and found inspiration to write this. Let me know what you think ? Should I post more ? Feedback is absolutely priceless and if you leave comment than I automatically love you for life


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